oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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