it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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