True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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