we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Randomize
