Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
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