cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
