So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
