my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
