shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
