when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
