My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
