My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
