Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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