I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
