I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
