you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
