Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
