Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
