When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
