The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
