All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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