Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
