I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
