I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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