Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
