She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
