Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
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