What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
