she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
