Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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