In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
