he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
