Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
