I wish my penis had an off switch
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
