see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
