You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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