I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
