onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
