I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
