I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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