Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
