My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
