So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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