i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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