remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Randomize
