I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
