Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
