and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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