My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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