just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
