For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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