that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
