I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
