dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
