Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Randomize
