is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
